When I was a teen about to be a high school graduate, I remember thinking of my lifetime goals. My first goal was: Do not get married at 19, or 20, or 23. See, my mother was married at 19 and I always thought she had “wasted her good years”. Of course, now I know that was a lie and if she hand’t gotten married when she did I would probably not be in this world. She became a mother at 21. (Hats off momma! I don’t know how you did it!)
Well, I finally got married at 30 (wait..31? No, 30. Sorry, math troubles me.) Although my life-long plan (perfectionist in me) involved going to Harvard and becoming a lawyer (you can laugh now), getting married at 26-27, having children 2 years later, dressing like a character of Lipstick Jungle or The Good Wife and strutting my lawyerly-like attitude in a city like New York, Chicago or Boston.
My current like couldn’t be farthest from all that. I live in Texas (greatest state in the world!), went to school in San Pedro Sula, Honduras and majored in Communications and Advertising, so no, I’m not a lawyer (although I can talk up a good case). I got married when I was 30 (currently 3 years into the amazing journey) and I have ZERO children (I mean, not counting Jackie the pug or my husband tee-hee-hee).
Of all and any of my plans only 2 have come true. 1. Not getting married in my 20’s. and 2. Getting married to a Godly, handsome, smart man. All the rest…they are either on hold, off the table or don’t know what they are yet. But the most annoying one for me right now is: I’m not a mom. I’m 3 years into marriage and I’m not a mom, and I’m 32.
So, I had to explain a bit of background before I actually engage in the title of my post. Did I mention I’m NOT a mom? It seems all I read these days online is about mom this, mom that, mothers here, mothers there, and yes, maybe it’s because Mother’s Day is just around the corner, but I feel it’s because the world views mothers as a pilar of society, as the rock on which many rely and stand on and the greatest creatures on earth for many and all reasons. And, I agree with the world.
However, I feel all the women out there like me, who want children but don’t have any, are left out and aren’t talked about. This is not a post about how being child-less is better or how working, non child-bearing women are better off. On the “contraire”, this post is about how all you gorgeous ladies out there that struggle with sadness, disappointment and heart-break like me due to infertility or whatever other reason feel and live.
If I had a dollar for every time people asked me, “So when are you having children?” I’d now be retired and living in Roatan (yes, Google that). I keep on re-inventing my answers, but my usual is “Well, whenever God wants us to.” But, sometimes it gets to me, or if I’m having a bad day I really, really want to answer “None of your business” or something even meaner like “Well, are you going to feed them and pay our bills?” No, I have never said that out loud, but I am guilty of thinking in that un-Godly way.
To put out your curiosity, I suffer PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which in basic English means I have a lot of eggs in my ovaries that just won’t come down so there is zero chance of any of them getting fertilized and me getting pregnant. This is a hormonal condition and there’s TONS of women out there who suffer from it. There is no specific cause, no cure, but there are ways around it. Most
of them include a balanced life with healthy diet (lots of greens and veggies) and plenty exercise. So, this blessed PCOS has made me a wanna-be momma and not an actual momma.
All we wanna-be mommas struggle with feelings of envy, disappointment, sadness, anger, helplessness, fear, regret and sometimes acceptance.
We envy that you get to wake up to cute little creatures that look like you. We get disappointed every time we have a missed period and the stick only has one blue line. We’re inexplicably sad when we thought we were pregnant and suddenly we’re not because we never actually were or because we miscarried. We are angry at the many reasons why we can’t become mothers. We feel helpless because making a child is not up to pushing a button and we can’t really “do anything” about it. We fear that we might never become mothers and we won’t fit in with the rest of the group or die alone. We regret not trying to have babies sooner, or working less, or even wanting children at all. And then, we come to a point where we just have to accept the fact that: we are not mothers.
All these feelings are true to us, and nobody’s “Bless your heart” or other encouraging words will make our specific situation go away. And I don’t have the solution to your infertility problem or mine. But we were made by the architect of architects, the doctor of doctors that designed every little cell in our bodies and can make this temple work to perfection. So, I’m not in control, I can visit endless doctors and take as many medications and eat right, and exercise but in the end, He’s in control, and I’m convinced that He knows best.
“I say this because I know the plans that I have for you.” This message is from the Lord. “I have good plans for you. I don’t plan to hurt you. I plan to give you hope and a good future. 12 Then you will call my name. You will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
To all wanna-be momma’s out there: Keep on going. If you get discouraged, get your strength from the Lord. If sadness, fear, disappointment invade your spirit, pray, pray, pray my sister. Feel however you need to feel, but take those feelings to the Heavens and ask Him to take over and fill you up. I GET you. I FEEL’ya. I offer my “I know, right?”
God might or might not have children for you and me in His plans. But I know from other experiences, that His plans are so much better, appropriate and perfect than mine ever were. Dwell in Him and trust in Him.
To all already momma’s out there: be kind to all those single, married child-less ladies out there. You were once one of them. Be patient and offer encouragement, blessings and love.
To all men: love your wives, sisters, mothers, friends. Yes, women are hard to understand and to please, I’ll give you all of that. But LOVE and TENDERNESS are the keys to any woman’s heart. Use those keys, they will get you far brother.